December 9, 2012

So recently I found an ugly truth that i had to face, “The way i see and treat myself, will be the way other people treat me, and also the way i treat others.” So if I cant love myself, how can i expect others to love me? More importantly, how would I be able to sincerely love others?

I dont exactly know what it is that causes this self destructive pattern of mine, which is this : Whenever I do something right, I’m like, oh yeay, ok, cool. But when i mess up, its just a never ending string of negativity coming out from my mind, aimed at myself. Even if someone told me that they didn’t hear those five mistakes i made during my piano recital and that they thought it was beautiful, I still end up criticizing myself the rest of the night, “why are you so useless, youre never going to be good at anything, youre such a failure.”
Its as if, I expect myself to be this perfect human being, which.. realistically does not even exist.
But everyday, its a constant struggle for me to strive to be perfect, and of course, every day i would fail, which would make me even more upset with myself.

I figured that this is the root of my lack of self esteem, and also the reason that I feel the need to have attention all the time. Its not because I think I deserve flattery, but because no matter how much I try to convince myself that im okay just the way that I am, it never seems to be enough.
And as much as how sometimes I feel like im all alone in this, I know a lot of girls go through this as well. Its sad to see how society has shaped all of our minds. I wish the answer would be simple, just like a switch you could turn on and off, but lets face it, if youre demolishing a wall, its going to be messy. And though that wall can be brought down in a day, cleaning up the rubble, broken bricks, and everything left behind is going to take awhile.

So if I cant love and accept myself first, how am I supposed to truly know how to treat others the way they deserve to be treated? I can barely manage to be kind even to myself. I dont want to be this person thats always secretly wallowing in self hate. I dont want to be putting others on a pedestal because their life looks more perfect than mine.

Whats my solution for this? I guess I just really need to dwell on the truth instead of constantly focusing on the lies. I need to surround myself with people who truly have found their identity, and who can help guide me along. As much as I want to believe that I know who I am, I know im not there yet. I have to come to a place where my soul can rest, fully assured that when God created me, He knew exactly what He was doing, and nothing that I do or say can change what He has created.
And just as He has created me, He has also accepted me! My flaws are present so that in the event where I finally learn how to get over them , His glory would be made real in and through me!

& so If God has accepted me, who am I to reject myself? Sure theres always room for improvement in all of our lives, but that doesn’t mean we have to hate ourselves for messing up.

Its all good.

Too many times a day i find myself lost in thoughts that belongs to the future. 
Why do I have a constant worry of what im going to be or do a couple of years down the line?
I mean, its not wrong to plan things, but to have a constant pining for something
thats not even definite, to long for something I barely have any control over, could not be healthy for me. 

Could it be that the present is too much for me to handle? Highly unlikely, for I know that God would never put me through a battle that I am not prepared for. Yes, there may be challenges, and I may not want to be where I am at sometimes, but I know that this is a season of my life that will soon pass.
Could it be that my past still brings a haunting? Maybe, but fact is, i know that what has happened has no control over me whatsoever. 

So what is poking at me , and constantly changing the direction of my thoughts from what is in front of me, to what is over the other side of the hill, to which i cannot even see? 

To us humans, there is a certain attraction as well as a fear of the unknown. That is why people are constantly trying to figure out the universe and its answers, and through that have come up with all sorts of notions. Be it the creation of everything, or life after death. Be it the weather of tomorrow, or the day we take our last breath. Things that we’ll never be able to confirm or prove for sure, but can only trust in, through faith. A thought that scares many, as uncertainty can seem pretty daunting. 

I guess it boils down to this, something that i have to keep telling myself each day : What is life without hope? What would we be waking up each day for? If we knew everything that would happen , would we live life the same way? I really do believe that God holds certain knowledge from us till we are ready for it, as the saying goes, all in good time. We just have to accept that we’re never going to know everything, we’re never going to have all the answers. 

So i know that as much as I want to know how everything turns out, what or who im going to be, or even where i would be at, I know that whats happening right now, is preparing me for those moments. Without these moments in my life right now, I would not be able to be whoever Id like to be in the future. 
I just have to keep reminding myself  to take each day at a time, and that just like the making of anything and everything else, there is a process to go through. And as much as we may not like to admit it, our whole lives will be a process. So instead of fighting it, i guess learning how to go along with it, would fare much better. And instead of dreading each passing day, using it to its fullest potential and learning as much as i can should be a good investment for the future me and in a way, I am in my future right now. I am, my future me.

C’est la vie. ;)

August 3, 2011

hello, hello.

its been awhile eh.
well.. more than awhile.
more like, a long freaking time
since i've last blogged,
but some things just can't be said through vlogs
because itd be like a bloody speech or something.

so anyway, a lot have been running through my mind
and going on in my life
that has left me terribly confused.

well. ..honestly im not confused
i just like to think that i am,
because it seems that ignorance (on purpose) is bliss.
when we all know all ignorance brings
is... well nothing good. hahah

but i mean, what i've been thinking about
is like how me, and almost everyone around me,
have put our identity in things that are just
so fragile and not eternal.
for example,
if you put your identity in your family
and your family makes you feel sure of yourself
and makes you feel secure,
and that you have a future,
that you will always have someone there,
and.. etc.

what if there was an accident,
and your whole family is gone,
with you left alone?
(don't think that it wouldn't happen,
because we all know that its possible.)
or replace the word 'family' with
wife/husband/bf/gf/job/whatever thats big in your life.

yea you will their money, property, possessions,
but whats the use?
you'd feel as if theres really nothing more to life.
(although, there is more of course.)
& you might even start to hate the One
that gives life and takes away,


now its really easy to say that i want to put God first in my life,
that He comes before everything,
and that when im tested, i will not fail.
but really.. its got to be the hardest thing to do EVER,
for a human being.
every decision, and choice, and action,
has to be done with Him first.

how do we know that God isn't first in our lives?
which do you spend more time doing:

playing computer games or praying?
watching tv or praying?
studying or praying?
playing sports or praying?
talking to your friends or talking to God?

all He's ever asked of me is to put Him first
and as easy it sounds
its something that i've been failing again, and again.

but anyway, i have been trying.

& i just.. wanted to tell people
(if people actually still read my blog.
i'll love you guys forever if you do.)
about how i feel,
and hope that i could be a help somehow.
maybe not today,
or tomorrow.
but someday when you start to lose something
that means the world to you.

we will never and can NEVER lose God.
He is the beginning and the end,
the planner of our lives,
the reason that we even live actually,
and really, all that we could ever need.

and no matter how dark our lives may seem
God is light,
and if God is in our lives,
it means Light will be in our lives.
& if we follow the Light (follow God)
we can't possibly go wrong.

so thats basically all i wanted to say
and as usual, i shall end this blog post with
a narcissistic picture of myself.
lots of love. (:

oh wait.
... i dont think thats me.

yea , im lame, whatever. hehe

April 12, 2011

Elizabeth Tan is officially a college student.
heehhehe after so much debates with myself and others
on what to study,
who knew it would have came down to Fashion Design.
i know you're thinking,
"can she even sew??!"
well.... i can learn ok! haahahahaha

and i've sewed beforeee.
quite a lot actually :D
there was once i cut my jeans and made em into shorts.
i even sewed my pants in ns when there was a hole.
& yea, there was a hole in my ns pants.
yea, right there. (:
but those were all hand sewingg.
i dont know about them machines.
pretty scared of em cause they can move really fast.

anyways, im really excited to start with semester 2,
which will be when we start learning the actual
fashion design syllabus.
semester 1 is just foundation which all of the courses
have to take first.
heheheh the head of fashion design in PJCAD
is also the stylist for Ed Hardy in Malaysia.
how cool is thaat?
.... well, no i dont like ed hardy and i think its a waste of money,
but.. whatever its still cool kan. eheheheheh

so these are three of my new girlies heheheh, meet :

Samantha Tan.
Same surname as me! heheheh
shes the only one in our gang thats doing graphic design,
which means shes in separate foundation class as us. ):
shes super funny thoughh.

Michelle Wong.
hahahaha she seriously looks like a malay kan?
apparently shes pure chinese :O
&& i super love her sense of fashion.
seriously. <3

&& Amanda Lee.
i know what you guys are thinking,
another amanda lee??
hahahah and yea it gets confusing,
but shes the sweetest girl ever
& im so glad ill be having her with me for the next three years

sorry for the horrible picture quality,
took em pictures with my bb so.. yea.
explains it. hahaha

oh and by the way,
subway has like THE BEST soft chocolate chip cookies. ever.
Way better than famous amos, and way cheaper too!
that was random, but yea.

so tomorrow were all going on an outing
to some place called Rimbun Dahan .
heheh its part of the orientation.
(yea we have outings and such because we're cool like that ;) )
& on thursday we're going to FRIM .
hahahaaha but not sure if i want to go for that one.
im so not a jungle trekking person.

ooh & we took our pictures for our student ID cards today
and im hoping hoping hoping it turns out nice
since i have to wear it around for the next three years. :O

anyway on a side note,
i've been thinking and my sister has been asking me,
to start vlog-ing since i want to be a tv hostess in the future.
opinions anyone?
should i shouldnt i should i shouldnt i.
i mean.. what on earth would i even talk about.
or maybe you guys could suggest topics. :D
pleaaseplease leave your opinions here
or in my formspring if you're feeling shy or something.
heheheh thankssss.

wow it feels like this blog post is really long for some reason.
oh well. thats whats been happening so far.
Till whenever, cyas. ((:

p.s. i ran in freaking diving flippers for an ice breaking game
during orientation. not easy, but you can bet i looked like a retarded penguin.
& no, i did not trip and fall, thank God.